Crash and Clash

This isn’t your typical blog post… but it is. I spent half of my career helping students and families with the transition from high school to college… and here we are. My son graduating from highschool seems like a crash and clash of my personal and professional journies and identities. Here are few high level takeaways that reflect those identities that may be helpful to families and educators.

1. There is very little information and/or spaces for families to discuss the challenges and victories of navigating the highschool to post-secondary process.

2. There is a narrative that secondary students and families don’t need or have fewer needs than elementary and middle school students and families. LIES! There is so much that is unsaid about this time in the life of families and students

3. So many of the resources and narrative about post-secondary access and success are framed and formed for first-generation and low-income families… as they should be. AND… when it comes to many underserved populations, the needs are unknown, unstated, or assumed. Even as a professional that knows the resources and process (even as it evolved), there is still a knowledge and resource gap. There are still fundamental aspects of the college-going process that is purposefully challenging to navigate and impacts people of color differently regardless of income level.

4. The process is COMPLEX administratively AND emotionally. The literature and narrative places WAAAAAAAY too much responsibility on the student when their brains, actions, and experiences are not developed enough to navigate such a complex process. Would you send a 17 year old to the DMV (department of motor vehicles) or H&R Block without some guidance? I would’ve given some of the students and families I worked with in the past a bit more grace.

5. And lastly… the process of sending your kids to college or whatever their post-secondary experience will be… is not simply a “process” for families. This is a deeply emotional and seismic shift for families. The emotional, financial, academic, professional implications cannot be minimized or understated. All of the highschool and college counselors, organizations, schools, and colleges have to be more empathic through this process; regardless of where the student comes from and how much money they have. Sometimes we are WAY too casual about the impact of these decisions, and have need to be having different conversations with students and families beyond.

These aren’t meant to be debated… more so just a reflection of a father and educator that is navigating a wonderful and terrifying process. I love every minute of it! Life be life-ing yo!

Be a Burden

In a world where our footsteps are often muffled and our voices dimmed, there lies an audacious act of defiance – to be a burden. Yes, you read that right. For generations, particularly within BIPOC communities, there has been an unspoken rule: to tread lightly, to ask for little, to 'be seen and not heard'. It's a narrative deeply rooted in the annals of history, where taking up space was not only discouraged but, at times, perilous. But here's a counter-narrative I propose: Be a burden.

This call to action is not about recklessness; it’s about reclaiming our space and voice in a world that often sidelines our experiences and needs. For BIPOC individuals, this means actively engaging in spaces that were not designed with us in mind, and demanding that these spaces adapt and respond to our presence.

Reclaiming Space

Reclaiming space is more than a physical act; it's a psychological one. It involves breaking down the internalized barriers that tell us we're asking for too much or being too loud. It's about occupying positions of influence, speaking up in meetings, and being unapologetically present. The act of taking up space becomes a radical form of self-care and empowerment.

The Power of Presence

Our presence is powerful. It’s an affirmation of our existence and our stories. By being fully present, we challenge the stereotypes and misconceptions that have long defined BIPOC experiences. This means showing up as our full selves, bringing our unique perspectives and cultural experiences into every room we enter. It's about making sure our narratives are heard, seen, and valued.

Demanding Responsiveness

Demanding responsiveness is an essential part of being a burden. It means not just participating in spaces but actively shaping them. It’s about holding institutions, workplaces, and social circles accountable for their inclusivity and responsiveness to our needs and perspectives. This could be as simple as requesting accommodations that acknowledge our cultural practices, or as significant as advocating for systemic changes within organizations.

The Collective Strength

There's a collective strength in this approach. When one of us chooses to be a burden, it paves the way for others. It disrupts the status quo and creates new norms where diversity of thought, experience, and identity are not just included but celebrated. This collective action has the power to transform societies, one space at a time.

To Be a Burden is to embrace the fullness of our identity in spaces that have historically asked us to diminish ourselves. It's a call to occupy space boldly, to make our presence felt, and to demand that the world around us adapts to our needs, rather than the other way around. It’s an invitation to change the narrative, one voice, one space at a time.

In essence, being a burden is not about creating discomfort for the sake of it; it's about challenging and reshaping systems that have long overlooked the richness of BIPOC experiences. It's a journey of empowerment, solidarity, and transformation. So, let's be burdens – unapologetically and collectively. Let's redefine what it means to take up space.

Too often many of us are so worried about being a burden that we become the burden we aren’t trying to be. In 2024 and beyond… be a burden!

Speak More in 2024: The Idea of Manhood

We're (All of us) stepping into 2024 with a renewed sense of purpose.

The Idea of Manhood podcast is making a return! But, it's not just a return; it's a revolution. The theme? You guessed it: Speak more in 2024.

During the "COVID Years," while the world was on pause, I was on play - but in a different mode. I was listening, observing, and absorbing everything around me. As a Black man nearing the end of my doctoral journey, studying with some of the brightest minds, I’ve been attuned to the unspoken, the overlooked, and the nuanced. And now, it's time to take action. It's time for me to share my voice, and it's time for all of us to take up the space we deserve.

So, what's new with "The Idea of Manhood" in 2024? Shorter episodes, more purpose; less apologizing. We're cutting through the noise and getting straight to the heart. These episodes are designed to speak directly to you, my audience. We’re diving into conversations that matter, with the kind of humility, authenticity, certainty, clarity, and confidence that I've been fine-tuning over these past years.

But this isn't just about me speaking more; it's a call to action for all of us. In a world where voices are often silenced or overlooked, it's vital that we assert our presence. We all have unique experiences and perspectives that deserve to be heard, and it's high time we made our voices count. It’s time. It’s time. It’s time.

In reestablishing The Idea of Manhood Podcast I’m embracing the ethos of speaking more in 2024. This podcast is a platform not just for my voice, but for the voices of all who have felt unheard. It's a space where we challenge norms, break stereotypes, and build understanding. Part of what I’ve learned from my research is the importance of validation, and the dangers of isolation.

As we move forward into this year, let's remember the power of our voices. Let's use them to tell our stories, to share our truths, and to stand up for what we believe in. Whether it’s through a podcast, in our communities, or in our daily interactions, our voices are our strength and power.

So, here's to speaking more in 2024. To taking up space. To being unapologetically ourselves. And to the exciting journey that awaits us.

Get ready to tune in, speak up, and be part of this movement.

Peace, Power, Protection, and Purpose in 2024.

Tell them that it’s human nature…

This is how the media is portraying us during the”Great Resignation.”

This is how the media is portraying us during the”Great Resignation.”

I’ve seen article after article highlighting “the great resignation;” a movement which has impacted me personally. I’ve read most of these articles; and while many of them are capitalizing on the hot topic of the moment, most of them are completely missing the mark. There’s such a powerful series of stories here that aren’t quite as salacious or headline-worthy. I see companies that lack contrition and are awkwardly stumbling through a return-to-normal without 40% of their staff. I see former 9-5ers struggling to find validation and attempting to redefine themselves outside of their profession. More than anything, I see a lack of empathy across the board. Folks are big talkers; saying all the right words: equity, inclusion, empathy, love, compassion, etc. But before we talk, we have to listen, humble ourselves and be human; even when we’re angry; and feel that we’ve been wronged. So let’s relax on the return to normalcy, and revel in our recovery. The Great Resignation? No. The Righteous Reprioritization. The stories will tell themselves.

The Beginning of Days… and Days.

 Take this w/ a grain of salt from a regular ass dad and educator thinking in advance about the coming days/weeks ahead. I also recognize that this list and suggestions are written from a place of privilege. I have internet, computers, televisions, and resources to purchase items and job with flexibility. I do not take these things for granted. Ultimately, there are no guidelines to this, and we need to allow ourselves some grace here. It’s going to be challenging once the novelty wears off. It’s going to be some shit as the media recognizes the power of  having ALL of our attention and once the leadership finally decides to act… but politics aside,  here are a few tips to consider in the coming days/weeks/months. Grace; you’re no teacher, your living space isn’t equipped to educate all damn day… but you’re a hard working parent who cares; you and don’t want your kid to be in reckless abandon for 40 days and 40 nights. Again… seriously… parents & caretakers, give yourself grace in this unprecedented situation, and take care of yourselves.

1.     Reality. Rules. Relax. – Talk to your kids about what’s REALLY going on. Talk about the virus; the news; the alerts. Don’t lie to them. They can handle it; probably better than you. They also may provide some comedic relief. They may be scared, but a little fear is OK, and may encourage further questions and conversations. Be prepared to answer all questions. Be honest; even if your answer is “I don’t know.” Set rules and expectations about the upcoming days; and be prepared to break those rules because… THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD! If you can’t keep a schedule; if you’re struggling to do your OWN work; if you’re overwhelmed by the news; if your spouse is getting on your nerves…. It’s OK. Grace is the key to all of this. Don’t insert stress or expectation into an already stressful and anxiety-ridden situation. You gon’ be aiight. 

2.     30 for 30 - Think of your kids awake time in 30-60 minute chunks (of course considering their age). Try to dedicate a portion of each hour to academics or productivity (reading, math worksheets, drawing, coloring, creative writing etc). Depending on your child’s age consider a 45/15 or 30/30  school/play breakdown of the hour. You know them best! Try your best to provide your kids the structure they are used to in school… but remember… you are not a teacher or educator. Do your best. Give yourself grace and don’t lose your mind trying to recreate your school in your house. Check out this resource -  

a.      ON-LINE ED TOOLS

b.     Cool Reads: Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You: A Remix of the National Book Award-winning Stamped from the Beginning

c.      Cool Reads -  Lies My Teachers Told Me: Young Reader’s Edition

3.     Proactive Play – Make sure your kids know that you WILL play w/ them, but that it’s not necessarily a “free” day or a random weather day. Give them something to look forward to by scheduling 2-3 times each day where you’ll play a game, go for a walk, hit the playground, etc. This allows them to manage expectations and YOU, mom/dad, to get your work done. They’re going to get on your nerves, though… sooooo there’s that. 

4.     Prep for TV & Tech Time – Sounds crazy right? The truth is; it’s going to be hard to keep your kids away from the tech and the tube if they are home all day for 2-4 weeks. My rule at our house is: the TV is not the baseline distraction. The television is an accessory. Consider cool or hip documentaries and series on Netflix, your cable company or YouTube. In the event you are unable to leave the house for days or weeks at a time, Connect4, Monopoly and Go-fish ain’t gonna hold you down. Here are a few docs your kids will appreciate (age appropriate, of course).

a.     Homecoming - Beyonce

b.     The Pixar Story

c.      The 13th

d.     Power of Greyskull:  The Definitive History of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

e.     Knock Down The House

5.     These damn kids – You love your kids. You really do. I promise. But the way that our society is set up; most of us don’t spend all day/e’ry day with them. We usually have the respite of work, the distraction of sports or other activities. But for the foreseeable future, you’re going to be spending much more time with them. Ain’t no more breaks. This may not be fun for some of you. Again, have grace with and forgive yourself when you have thoughts of kicking your kids in the back, or plucking them in the throat. Just me? Ok. 

Again, this is not researched; this is just my take; and much of this may change. Consider this volunteer (or mandatory) lockdown an opportunity; something you GET to do, instead of something you HAVE to do. This time is definitely something you and your kids will remember forever. No pressure though. Grace, remember! You got this!

Good Grief

I don’t know if this is well known outside of intimate circles of black men. Most of us don’t envision ourselves growing old. Most of us are content with the idea that we will die before or during the prime of our lives. Most of us envision getting shot, stabbed, hit by a car, or falling to our death. Many of us envision violent and scary deaths. I had visions of people mourning my death. I never thought much about it, nor was I even scared by thoughts of my untimely demise. I wasn’t saddened by these thoughts; I didn’t consider myself morbid nor did I live a reckless life where these thoughts had the likelihood of becoming reality. It was just my normal way of thinking about the future.

Until I was about 30, I thought it was just me. I thought it was just one of those quirky aspects of my personality. I rationalized it. And it wasn’t until I briefly mentioned it to a colleague; only to be met with a “WHOA…. I thought it was just me…” did I begin to realize that many Black men felt this way. And each time I made the connection, the Black man I was speaking to, also thought it was just him. Each. Time!

I didn’t know what to make of this. I generally understood that the weight and emotional load and psyche of men, especially black men, are grossly unknown or misunderstood. I knew that black men became hardened through silence, or being silenced. I knew that our fathers were either absent or present; and that’s about it. I knew that all of the fathers I knew were being intentional about being active, loving, emotionally available, AND present. I also knew that Black men were in hiding. We hid our emotions from our spouses. We hid in bathrooms to take breaks; hid while doing yard work; hid while taking long trips to get the cars cleaned; hid while smoking cigars and drinking bourbon with other men in hiding; we hid from persecution from getting the wrong salad dressing or drying the blouse labeled dry clean only. We hide behind closed mouth grins and shaking heads. We became masterfully and comfortably hidden.

But still… Why couldn’t we see ourselves with grey hairs, or walking our daughters down the aisle, or playing with our grandchildren. I don’t really know. I rationalized it as…. well I grew up in the projects, rap music, evenings news, every single study about men dying before women, police brutality, messages in the media, every movie, every TV show, blog, study, twitter, Biggie, Pac, Big L, Pun, MLK, Ray-Ray n’nem, …. Kobe.

It’s times like these when I can almost rationalize why star athletes are paid so much money. During those times when we were hiding… those athletes were either hiding with us, or bringing us joy. They didn’t judge us. They provided us with examples that we use to raise our kids. We learned from their mistakes; or at least tried to. They create scenarios that allowed us to brag and feel better about ourselves. They represent the hometowns we abandoned, or that we were hiding in or from. Their actions on the field, court, or pitch had the power to shift our narratives. And that within itself, is priceless. The men I know are working hard to come out of hiding. And each generation will do more and better. That… to me… is worth its weight gold.

Message to New Dads (and reminders to all of us)

They will tell you that a fathers role is to help mom. Na, fam. A fathers role is integral to a child’s birth and development. Fathers can’t and shouldn’t be moms. And visa versa. Be yourself. Be firm. Be consistent. Be vulnerable. Be love. Be what your family needs. And be the dad you needed when you were your child’s age.

FiveMikes